fade out into the stars

Of Polygamy

15/07/2008 marks my first anniversary in practice...I still remember telling a friend of my intention to celebrate this day and she was like "orang keje bertahun2 tak penah pon nak celebrate, inikan baru setahun..".it's not so much that it is overwhelmingly pleasant to be in my first year of practice or rather working life, but it's more of "when do I get to do things that I've been dying to do? It has been a year, so, how much longer do I have to wait?"..questions with no certain answers...well, i guess it's better to just follow the flow..when the time is right, things will fall into place.

Last night, I had a lepak session at pelita with B, H and H. We were talking about a lot of things and all of a sudden, we started talking about polygamy..obviously it got heated up, particularly when we tried to draw the line between excuses, justification, the object of such ruling (maqasid syariah), permissibility, responsibility, justice, the very core object of family institution and love. I bet it got even more interesting when it was discussed with guy friends.

The most typical justification or I would rather say excuse given by guys to contract polygamous marriage is to avoid infidelity. As a servant of God, we are given the intellect to reason things, and be accountable to every decision that we make. In general, guys would say, it's better if I marry the woman rather than cheating on my wife. For me, it is never a valid justification. For you not to cheat on your wife is always a matter of self control. God is fair, He gives you guidance. In life, you will be faced with thousand of options, good or bad. And it is upon you to choose with wisdom or whim.

In this case, you can have four wives, but still, what stops you from having to encounter the same scenario the fifth time? You can't just divorce your wives and marry the next woman in line just to avoid infidelity? Can you? If this is the case, don't you think that you are abusing the permissibility of such ruling? Does this make you a just person? And does this absolve you from being accountable to God for being irresponsible, selfish and opportunist?

In Islam, we take the religion as a whole. When we talk about polygamy, more often than not guys will not look back in history, on how polygamous marriage was like. It is more of a social responsibility, rather than pleasure. Mind you, marriage is a contract that comes with specific obligations and responsibility. Hence these questions:

1) would you marry and maintain a woman who is a single mother with seven kids who is unable to earn a living?
2) would you marry a woman who has lost her husband to war and maintain her and her family?
3) would you marry a handicapped woman and maintain her and her family?
4)would you marry a woman who is physically deformed?

would you?

Another point that I would like to share is, guys always say that permissibility of such ruling gives them the licence to contract polygamous marriage. My question, if that is the case, are you suggesting that God is unfair and discriminatory? That only guys can at any time find a new wife because they just can't help falling in love? What about women then? Women would have to face the same old face for the rest of their lives even though at times they get confused differentiating their husbands and their daughters' teddy bears.

"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans,marry women of your choice, two, or three or four; But if you fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one ..... That will be more suitable,to prevent you from doing injustice."
Surah Al-Nisa' 4:3 (translation by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)

"You are never able to be fair and just as between women,
Even if it is your ardent desire...".
Surah An Nisa:129

Based on the above quranic verses, B made an anology, “a student goes to his lecturer and asks him whether he can have a second exam as he didn’t do well in his first exam, and the lecturer says he can do so, but the question is trillion times harder and there’s no way he can pass the second exam”-it’s another way of saying no, when we know full well that we can never deliver even if we’re given a second chance. I couldn’t agree more.

The above verses are clear and the object of such ruling is clear, it is only applicable in extreme circumstances, on strict conditions. The object of marriage is to preserve the sanctity of family institution. If the above ruling is taken arbitrarily, we have got to bear all the blame for abusing the object of Syariah and the very wisdom of unconditional submission to God’s will.

H asks me :

“if ever one day your husband wants to marry another women because he wanted to help the woman financially, would you be ok with that?”

Me: “I respect his noble intention, but I will ask him to let me go, because I don’t think I can endure the pain, and I’m sure if I stay in the marriage any longer, it will only make things worse as I can foresee that the very ideal of family institution will be on the verge of destruction, and it is my duty not to let that happen…”

I came across this hadith today, and I would like to share this with every one,

Many forget the authentic hadith (as reported in Sunan Ibn Majah) which reported that the Prophet (s.a.w.), when asked if he would permit Saidina Ali to marry another woman, said that he would not, "....unless and until Ali Ibn Abi Talib divorces my daughter, for surely she is part of me and what troubles and agitates her, troubles and agitates me too; and what harm befalls her befalls me too."