Time

People say time heals everything.I think time enables us to realize things we failed to see before.It deconstructs the state of delusion and denial we used to be in.

Time gives us the space to look back at things we have difficulty understanding.Or things that we used to believe in.Words that were said,promises that were made.What's real and what's not.

I believe that someday,somehow,through time we will know the truth.It's hard to be told that we were wrong in believing in something that didn't exist. But it's all worth it.

Liberating.We are finally free.

The Anniversary

Yesterday marked my 5th anniversary of being called to the Malaysian Bar. H asked, what does that mean? I said in two years time,you could be my pupil. H started counting when he would finish his law degree and be my pupil.

It has been 5 years. What has changed? It's hard for me to answer this question. When I was admitted to the Bar 5 years ago, I seriously didn't have any idea what the world would be like. All I could imagine was having this hope that someday, I get to see what justice looks like. Yes, justice, an overused word. Just like democracy.Just like freedom. But that's okay. As long as I get to see the constant effort to put a meaning to these words, I'll be just fine.

Getting all tangled up in this mess makes me feel alive. Having to confront the harsh reality makes me understand pain others are experiencing. This mess teaches me not to ask irrelevant questions. You do what's within your means no matter how little it is. People who are comfortable with the status quo won't be able to tell the difference. Neutrality! They chant. God, what does that even mean?

At the Bar EGM recently, when some detractors tried to even out the tilted playing field, wisdom somehow managed to find its way to refute such a flawed proposition. "There's no balance between justice and injustice,there's no balance between right and wrong. We stand for what is right and just", said the wise man.

I find myself smiling again. Life continues to intrigue me. The world continues to challenge my sanity.

Beautiful isn't it? Life.

Summoned by the Jedis. It sent shivers down my spine. Lost for words. Not to my surprise. "Life is about sacrifice".

I wish life had that erase button you can just push anytime you want and delete people that annoy the life out of you. Now I know why some people like to go to the mountains. The answer is there. Waiting to be embraced. No pretenders. No one would be judged. Oh sanity, how I long for you.

Why are we even here?

Sometimes I just couldn't help but feel like the big world is just standing in front of me, waiting to swallow me, and I would just disappear into nothingness.

KL said I shouldn't be feeling this way,I may get burned out."I've seen this happen to my friends", she said.

I understand the worries.How we can't afford to be burned out, being in this lonely struggle.I couldn't imagine what it's gonna be like if this lonely struggle gets lonelier than it already is.

Devastated by what happened yesterday in court, I started questioning "why are we even here?" when people are dying, suffering and all we see is more and more people killing their conscience right before our own eyes, proudly living their lives when in fact they are dead inside.

S said:

"It's an uphill battle, a long struggle. You know what, despite all this, we know we do the right thing, our conscinece is clear, we might lose now, but we can go home with a clear conscience. And who are the real losers? It's them. Their conscience is dead."

Tiramisu.
Photocopy machine.
4 in the morning.
Life and death.
Vicious we have become.
How I wish everything crumbled into dust,to take all the pain away.

Beirut!

KL:What are you guys doing?
Busted!
E:She made me look at these photos!(mountains,food,cedar forest,Roman bath)
Me:Eh,I was concentrating on my work,he forced me to look at these photos.
E:Look what's on her PC?(Map of Middle East)
KL:Mad people!

This is exactly what happened a few weeks ago.Got back from Kudat,found out about via ferrata from KI, succeeded in selling the idea to E in less than 5 minutes.The effect:we just couldn't stop talking about it.

The mantra has now changed.From via ferrata to Beirut!

Of Malaysian politics,aiyoyo and the strongest magisterial bench.

J:You know what,in the UK,for that amount of money,it has to go through Parliament.It's RM250 million, where's the tender?
Us:Ya,true.

The conversation went on,on the sorry state of Malaysian politics,things that happened back then.

J:Did you know,he was an armchair socialist?
Us:Really?What happened?
J:Well,money has this habit of corrupting people.
Us:Ya.
J:I don't know what's gonna happen to this country.There was this one case,where this lawyer was chased out by an officer.He was wearing baju melayu and songkok.The lawyer was representing the client.The case was about a blogger.
KL:Was it MCMC?The multimedia commission?
J:Ya,even the top civil servant complained about the officer's behaviour.
KL:Fadiah was the lawyer.
J:So where did you graduate from?
Me:IIU.
J:IIU or aiyoyo?There was this one time,the student body invited me to speak,the faculty boycotted the event,I asked the student to show me the text books they use for equity,contracts.One student showed me a book,I asked him to give it to me,You know what book that was?A compilation of his lecturer's notes.
Me:Oh my.

The conversation got more and more interesting.

J:There was this one time they wanted to fly all of us there.I think there were two planes.And they couldn't put us all on one plane.Security issues.
KL:Yalah,if the plane crashes the whole judiciary will be wiped out.
J:Ya,all completely wiped out,well,not that it's a loss to this country.

I laughed,it felt like watching British sitcoms,I just love the wittiness!

J:Somebody asked me what do I think of the Federal Court,I said,apart from A&B,it's the strongest magisterial bench.

I laughed so hard.I think if I laughed this hard in front of him when he was still on the bench,I would have been cited for contempt of court!

Interesting conversation indeed,and a lot to ponder.

Wong Hoy Cheong

Humility.That's what I see in him.I've been hearing briefly about what he does from his friend,about him being an artist,his artwork exhibited in New York and Berlin.That simple man,by the name of Wong Hoy Cheong,an activist,a man who lives a simple life,who has achieved so much and who is still contributing a lot to the society.

As we were crossing the road:

Me:I just love Penang,when I'm old, I wanna stay here.
HC:That's what I'm doing now.You can do the same.You don't have to wait until you get old.Why don't you guys set up LFL branch here,we need human rights lawyers here.
Me:That'd be cool!

While waiting for our coffee:

Me:I've been meaning to ask about your artwork,tell me what do you do exactly?
HC:I make visual art.I used to paint,that was a long time ago.
Me:I heard about the art gallery in New York?
HC:Yes,I have a representative who sells my artwork in New York.
Me:Wow!Besides New York, where else?
HC:One in Berlin and one in Taipei.
Me:Wow!So you've been around the world?
HC:I've not been to Africa,would love to go there someday.
Me:Tell me more,what else do you do?
HC:I used to lecture.
Me: Where?
HC:Harvard,NYU,Oxford,NUS...(and the list goes on).
Me:That's impressive,I wouldn't know all that if I didn't ask you in person.

Funny to see how shy he was to tell us about his life.It was as if he was at gunpoint,having to answer all my questions.I just couldn't contain myself from excitement when it comes to learning about these great people,the things they do and the lives they live.

Me:You've achieved so much.Your family must be proud of you.
HC:No lah,my family thinks it's a bluff!

Everyone laughed.

That's Wong Hoy Cheong.An educator who was awarded as an outstanding educator by Cornell University and had a scholarship for undergraduates named after him.

He also gets the 35th floor of the Deutsche Bank devoted to him and his artwork.Now I know how influential he is as an artist!

This Penang trip felt so different from the previous numerous trips I had before.I can't thank him enough for showing us so much about Penang,the places,the culture,the stories.

Bliss.

Swanky!

S:I think it's the Avatar chair that makes our office swanky.
Me:It's all E's fault,no no,it's E's friend's fault,he gave us the chair.
E:Ya, it's the Avatar chair!
Me:V's office is swanky.
V:No,it's not.
Me:What do you mean not swanky,it's next to KLCC!
E:No lah,V's office is not swanky.
Me: You've never been there,it's super swanky!Whatever it is,LFL is the swankiest!
KL:Let's make a move now,we need to fix your car.
V:What happened to your car?
Me:Stranded in front of the swanky office,I think it's the battery.
V:You used it up.
Me:Hey!

New Year's Resolution

Eric : What's you new year's resolution?
Me : I've never had new year's resolution.What about you?
Eric : My resolution is not to have resolution.
Me : Nice!
Eric : Life is beautiful,go travelling, do things that make you happy.

I couldn't agree more.

Saw Woody Guthrie's 1942 New Year's Resolution, it just made my day.

Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar

I had a beautiful dream last night.A little boy picked up a book on the street.A few pages were ripped off.I could see how excited he was. I had a conversation with him. Then I met a grown man, who looked so familiar.I woke up to this vivid dream, smiling.

I eventually finished reading "You can't be neutral on a moving train" by Howard Zinn. I feel connected to everything he said in the book.A great teacher he was.Reading it felt like I was sitting right in front of him, listening to his every word.

The boy was the same grown man I saw in my dream. It was him.The book he picked up on the street was "Tarzan and the Jewels of Opar".There were no books at his home.The parents just couldn't afford to buy him any.

He taught me to be hopeful again, particularly in times of despair.

Gone

Gone by Jack Johnson

Look at all those fancy clothes
But these could keep us warm just like those
And what about your soul, is it cold
Is it straight from the mold, and ready to be sold

And cars and phones and diamond rings
Bling, bling, those are only removable things
And what about your mind, does it shine
Or are there things that concern you, more than your time

Gone, goin', gone, everything
Gone, give a damn
Gone, be the birds, when they don't wanna sing
Gone, people, all awkward with their things
Gone

Look at you, out to make a deal
You try to be appealing, but you lose your appeal
And what about those shoes you're in today
They'll do no good, on the bridges you burnt along the way

Are you willing to sell, anything
Gone, with your herd
Leave your footprints
We'll shame them with our words
Gone, people, all careless and consumed, gone

Gone, goin', gone, everything
Gone, give a damn
Gone be the birds, if they don't wanna sing
Gone, people, all awkward with their things, gone